When I Am King - # 2 – [Most] Eating Contests Will be Banned

While there are numerous Edicts and Proclamations that will be rolled out WIAK, this one is clearly not a priority.  It was prompted by a news report after the last holiday.

On the day after Independence Day, ESPN’s Sports Center showed the highlights [?] of the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest, held July 4^th in Coney Island.  We’re talking about national coverage here.  Even Mayor Bloomberg was there.  The City’s Nanny-in-Chief has led the charge against smoking, big drinks and calorie ignorance and yet was present to endorse this pageant to competitive gluttony. 

The Women’s Division winner scarfed down 45 wieners in ten minutes.  The ESPN talking heads then regaled the Men’s champ by exclaiming that Joey Chestnut broke his own record by devouring 69 dogs...in ten minutes.  It would take me a several summers of picnics and ball games to consume that many.

I guess I can accept the fun in watching Uncle Fred trying to speed-eat a cherry pie (ONE cherry pie) with no hands.  And, yes, being able to down seven sausages a minute...for ten minutes...is a feat.  One must have an athlete’s drive and concentration plus a unique constitution to be a champion hot dog disposal unit. 

However, in a country where malnutrition is shockingly endemic and under-nourishment is bad enough to have 47 million citizens qualify for food stamps, the idea of crowning a Champion Food Hoover is...find the right word...repugnant.

Eating ONE blueberry pie with no hands is not the same as two-fisting dozens of weenies down your pie hole.  It’s just not.  So, when I am King, eating contests like this will be outlawed.  Joey Chestnut will have to find a regular job.