When I am King # 7 - Lawns Will Be Outlawed

Once again, your would-be King is ahead of his time. This rant was in the can a few weeks ago, waiting for the right moment when Sarah Baker of Ohio beat me to it. Her op-ed in the Sunday Washington Post makes a terrific case for letting more of our nation’s vast lawn acreage go a bit wilder. The piece has generated almost 2000 comments as of this posting…sad to say, many are not very supportive. Hang on, Sarah. When I am King, you will be my Royal Guardian of the Greens. In the meantime, I’ll add my two cents in her defense.
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We all know that California is experiencing a record drought. Recent news reports have noted that, despite dire official warnings and calls for voluntary reductions in water use, the good citizens of southern California, especially in ritzy Beverly Hills, have changed their consumption habits very little. After all, what good is a mega-mansion if you can’t have a lush, green carpet surrounding it?

The Suburban Ideal, Howard County, MD (10 May 2015)

Those who know me well have heard me rail against lawns for decades. I’m disappointed I haven’t ranted in this space sooner now that anti-lawn feelings have become more prominent. I consider them to be environmental abominations…unnatural displays of our dominion over nature. Why have a diverse display of native vegetation when you can have a single, genetically-modified grass species that requires constant attention and expense? Worse than that, why have them at all when you live in an arid region? That CBS report above noted that 50-60% of ALL the water used in Beverly Hills goes to the lawns. Really?

Vegetables and Wildflowers Would be Better (10 May 2015)

Then there are the environmental impacts. The cumulative damage from power mowing (energy use and emissions from notoriously inefficient small engines), water consumption and fertilizer and pesticide applications that inevitably run off into and degrade our waterways is significant. Plant a vegetable garden instead…you’ll have fresh, organic food to appreciate. Plant wildflowers instead…you’ll have birds and butterflies and table decorations to appreciate.

Visitors to the Front Yard (2 March 2011)

Full disclosure here. We actually do own a lawn mower but not because we have a lawn. Our back yard is all trees, shrubs, leaf litter and whatever can grow though all that in the shade. Our front yard has trees, bushes and ground cover. Beck wants to mow the side yard near a public path and do her part to keep the cul de sac island trimmed. Fair enough.

Cambridge University Lawn Care (October 1989)

On the one day we were in Cambridge, England and wandered around the tidy colleges that have been there for 800 years, there was this immaculate lawn nestled among the ancient buildings. I suspect the tradition-bound Brits wouldn’t think of edging it with some noisy, foul, petrol-powered, string trimmer. Young Nigel is on his knees while Old Rupert uses the upright, long-handled edger. Jolly good.

When I am King, these flat green spaces will be limited to parks, recreation areas and athletic fields. I know, I know. Lawns are safe places for the kids to play. They add to the value of the property…in our perverse real estate market. Of course there’s also the economic impacts with so many jobs devoted to machinery, fuel and chemicals. To this I note that blacksmiths and hat makers found something else to do when their industries crashed. We’ll get over it.

I’m sure this would be among the least popular of my royal decrees…but it’s for your own good. If you want to see a lawn, go to the Extinct Lawn Exhibit in the Royal Museum of Mistakes We had the Good Sense to Correct.