When I am King # 6 – Drug Commercials will Change

Non Sequitur by Wiley Miller

I’m a news junkie. Political biases notwithstanding, I like to watch TV shows that try to tell me what’s going on in the world. Given the unfortunate demographics of news viewers, I endure constant commercials for pharmaceuticals. I appreciate that Big Pharma sponsors the news even if only us old farts are watching.

My beef is with the commercials themselves. First off, I appreciate the requirement to tell us about the side effects even if it can be a buzz kill. We’re watching active, happy people as the narrator tells us there’s a chance we could die if we use this drug. That aside, the part that really fries my shorts is the “Ask your doctor” nonsense…especially the “Tell your doctor about all your conditions…the other meds you take and if you are about to undergo surgery.” Excuse me? If this person you’re talking to really is YOUR doctor, shouldn’t she already know those things? I’m sure the marketing pros and their legal advisors have a valid reason to add that part but it just sounds like the pitch is more like, “Find a doctor who will write a script for our drug. If it’s not your regular doctor, you might want to tell her a little more about yourself.”

When I’m the Big Kahuna, there will be at least two changes. I was going to say I would sponsor the news. I can’t think of anything more important for keeping a government honest than a well-informed public. But if I sponsored the news, where would the drug commercials go? Wherever they go, I would decree that commercials cut the crap and be straight. Something like this…

Reclining Nude With Pills (2 June 2015)

“Hello.

“The people you see here are not models and paid actors in ideal settings. They are regular folk who suffer from moderate to severe (add condition/disease here) and have been helped by (add your product name here).

“We spent a pile of money developing and testing this medicine and after meeting a bleep-load of regulatory requirements, we can now offer it to you. Since you don’t want to understand science, we’ll just say that we tested this stuff up and down and it works…much of the time…on many of you. Please note that no proper study ever produced 100% positive results. That means in addition to the percentage of people who were helped by our drug and the percent of people who were not helped, there were some who developed additional problems to deal with…even a few who really regretted taking it.

“But we have proven this drug works and it will make it easier for you to (add activity here). AND… (Insert drum roll) since our new King sponsors the news now, we will save millions in advertising expenses and will pass along the savings to you. You can now get this life-saving drug for less than your life savings."

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