When I am King – Rules of the Road - Part 2
While we’re on the subject, there are some other offenses that will be addressed WIAK. For instance, don’t you just love it when you’re at an intersection in heavy traffic and you have the green light but can’t go anywhere because some yay-hoo is blocking your way forward? If you can’t drive THROUGH the intersection, do not enter it. First offense will be a fine. Second offense, we take away your car.
When the sign on the highway says, “Lane ends 2000 feet ahead,” do not stay in that lane for 1990 feet and expect to just slide in. You are too inconsiderate to operate a car and we’ll have to take it from you.
(All images taken from Google Images/Bad Driving)
That handle on the left side of the steering wheel operates your turn signals. It really helps to inform your fellow drivers that you’re moving that two-ton missile you control into another lane or off the road. Failing to let the rest of us know what you’re doing is dangerous and you will be less of a threat to us all without your car.
Of course, being the geezer that I am, I am duty-bound to recognize a personal flaw that will also be addressed when I am King. Because I drive a car with a very quiet turn signal...and my hearing is starting to suck, I have been known on occasion to inadvertently go on for a while with the turn signal on. However, no draconian measures will be necessary since, when I am King, all cars will be fitted with a simple electronic warning that kicks in after the car hasn’t made a turn in a few miles...a buzzer or equally annoying sound.
For 15 years, I lived in New Orleans where driving is notoriously bad. I dubbed the place ‘The Home of the One-Car Accident’ since there are an inordinate amount of car-tree and car-building collisions. “Officer, that storefront just jumped out in front of the car! Honest.” I once thought about preparing the ‘New Orleans Drivers Manual’ with all the rules of the road, including:
1. If the traffic light is RED, the car behind you has to stop.
2. If the traffic light is YELLOW, speed up. The car behind you is.
3. If the traffic light is GREEN, look both ways (because the other guy is obeying 1 & 2).
4. ‘Right turn on RED after stop’ means right turn.
5. A STOP sign means ‘slow down.’
6. A YIELD sign means GO.
Finally, texting. An astonishing 77% of young adults surveyed say they are confident enough to text and drive. Am I the only one who thinks this is bat-shit crazy? You’re taking your eyes OFF the road. Yes, you also do that when you change the radio station or turn up the AC. But it takes a fraction of a second to do that and many of those actions become so familiar, they can be done without looking.
Anyway, your reply might be, “It’s too hard to catch texters in the act. That’s one reason we do it. That, plus the fact that we’re addicted to our devices and just can’t stop using them no matter where we are or what we’re doing.”
When I am King, every car will be fitted with a camera that is trained on the driver. The camera only operates when the car is moving...when the driver is supposed to be driving. So don’t you worry about us knowing what happens when the car is parked...none of my business. Since the camera is wirelessly synchronized to the phone in the driver’s seat, it will know when it is in use and automatically send a charge through your seat...enough voltage to ensure timely behavior modification. Every car in the Kingdom will be fitted with this life-saving feature. If the behavior modification fails to work and you are caught texting behind the wheel of a moving vehicle, you will forfeit your car and be free to text all you want. Highway deaths will plummet and citizens will rejoice as great ‘Huzzahs!’ and ‘Hail to the King’ ring out across the land.
By the time I’m finished clearing our highways of all the idiots, morons and butt-heads, public transportation will thrive and we’ll be able to rent out vast stretches of now-empty interstates for bike paths, sporting events (of a linear nature), concerts and exhibits. I understand getting all the numb-nuts off the road could crash the auto, oil, construction and insurance industries, throw millions out of work and collapse the economy but, what the hey? Like they say, ‘You have to break some eggs.’
Vote for me for King.
posted by Ted Ringger @ 9:59 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
You're timing is right. If you begin the campaign now you should have the 2 million signatures necessary to get on the 2016 ballot.
Oh wait, you want to be KING... a ballot isn't necessary for that, what am I thinking.
Re: the road rage thing...better keep that bowling ball in the trunk.
William
Great observations! I recently read a report that said there are more middle age people texting and driving than young adults!
You're getting soft (not just in the head either) Theodore. Your worst punishment is to take away their car? No jail time or forcing them to read Ulysses? Also, what happened to those nasty signs you used to flash at these red light-runners and no-signalling lane-changers? Don't tell me you've retired them!!
Imagine my surprise to find all these replies. Makes a would-be King proud to have stirred the Good People to respond.
To William - Signatures? We don’t need no stinking signatures! I have at least two or three loyal supporters so far. Watch for the groundswell of support and the bowling ball coup coming soon.
To Suzanne - Now that’s scary. With our slower reflexes and other diminished capacities, that’s all we need. I thought older folks were supposed to have more sense.
Finally, Ven - Now, now...I still have my ‘Hang up and drive’ sign. What do you want me to do...increase the voltage on the driver’s seat behavior modification device? I want the good citizens to vote for me because I would be a benevolent king and not be like our politicians who say one thing when they’re running and do something else after they’re elected. Would you prefer I behead a few violators?
Well as an offender of every violation you have mentioned, I am so thankful you are not King. As always, the idiots on the road make it impossible for the good drivers to make it to their destination. You have the texter/caller who is in the passing lane with 20 cars lengths between his/her car and the car in front of them. So, the good driver has to pass on the right and then gets flagged for aggressive driving. Going to work at 6:00 AM, I would venture to say that 75% of the drivers are on their phones and the other 25% are applying makeup of eating breakfast. Who do you need to talk to at 6:00 AM? Society is so glued to their personal devices that we have lost the ability to communicate personally as well as be completely addicted to these devices. Therefore, driving is a second thought because texting is more important. And as for senior citizens with their blinkers on in the morning, I know at your advanced age that you get up much earlier but if all the senior citizens would stay off the road until the work force is at work, there would be no traffic. Just another suggestion for you "rules of the road"
Thanks, Anonymous. Over the years, I have heard more complaints about drivers who hog the passing lane. It’s one thing to be going too slow there but even when I‘m doing 80, there is often someone who crawls up my butt and then gives me the stink-eye when I finally move over. You’re not the first to be glad I’m not King but restricting the geezers to non-commuting hours is pretty radical. That shouldn’t matter much around here since it’s hard to cause much mischief when everyone is doing 15 mph. They say every driver thinks all the others are either idiots or maniacs...we have each other pegged. Drive safely.
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