When I am King – Rules of the Road - Part 1

Without the discipline of the Dead Presidents anniversary dates, things have been quiet. A few friends wrote that they were sorry to see the series end. I agree. I enjoyed the Quest and story-telling more than I imagined. Some readers and I wondered if future stories would lack that snarkiness that comes out when I recall flawed men and aspects of our sometimes troubled history. 

But fear not, faithful readers. My fellow human beings are an endless source of snark inspiration as they can so very often be counted on to do the wrong thing.

(All images taken from Google Images/Bad Driving)

The scene is southbound Route 29. Beck and I were heading to Washington, D.C. and the Newseum. As members, we had reservations for a panel discussion about my favorite scumbag president, (‘Don’t Be A’) Dick Nixon. On the 40th anniversary of his resignation, historians Douglas Brinkley and Luke Nichter were there to discuss their new book, The Nixon Tapes. Also present was Carl Bernstein, who along with Bob Woodward, broke the Watergate story that ultimately revealed Tricky Dick for the crook that he was.

But first, we had to get there. On weekday afternoons, it’s certainly easier to drive into D.C. since most of the workday commuters are heading in the other direction. We left home TWO hours before the scheduled start of the event to make a drive that takes forty minutes if traffic is moving...big ‘if’ around here.

In recent years, Rt. 29 has been upgraded to a high-speed, multi-lane corridor with fewer lights and more overpasses for local traffic. After sailing along, we came to a grinding halt. First thought – we’re close to the place where three lanes become two. It’s a merging issue. Nah...we’re going too slowly for that. Probably an accident up ahead. 

We creep along at three miles an hour and with each new bend in the road, I hopefully look ahead to see if whatever is causing the back-up is close enough to at least reveal that the end of this jam is near. We do this for over 30 minutes.

Beck is the first to notice there is NO traffic on the other side of the road. Pardon me for having no faith in my fellow human beings but the first thing I thought was ‘rubber-necking’. Sure enough, the next bend we could have walked to faster than we were driving revealed that NOTHING blocked ANY of the lanes on our side. The poor saps heading north were stopped cold because there were more emergency vehicles than damaged cars there. Not to justify our need to gawk at someone else’s misfortune but it wasn’t even a terrible accident. There were no ambulances, no overturned cars or ‘Jaws of Life’ scrambles...just another game of ‘Wrinkle-Fender’. Yet, everyone had to slow down and check it out.

I wish there were ways to fully block the view of this scene so drivers would just keep going. In New Orleans, I once saw eight lanes of I-10 slow to a crawl...four lanes in each direction, because someone was changing a tire. No lanes were blocked...until ALL the lanes were clogged by flippin’ rubberneckers. Clearly, something must be done and it will be when you elect me King.

When I am King, we will again understand that driving is not a right. That licensed privilege comes with responsibilities and failure to be responsible will have consequences.

If you prefer to slow down on a high-speed road to gaze at some poor bloke’s misfortune, hoping to see flames and body parts, you don’t deserve to drive. First offense will be a fine. Second offense, we take away your car.

More in Part 2.